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Masaya pero distracted

Kailangan ko lang patungan yung post ko dito dati. Hindi na naman kasi ako kasing-emo noon ngayon.

At saka masaya ako kasi may co-curricular activity na ako na hindi magastos. :-p

Second time ko mag attend ng dragonboat practice nung Sabado sa Manila bay. masaya.
Goal ko ang makapagcompete, kaya karir na ang gagawin ko dito :)

yun lang muna.
That's a quote from Criminal Minds' Dr. Spencer Reid.

Was it last Monday, when I was walking down Roces Street, to the jeepney stop, when I passed by this babeng grasa lying on the grass along the pavement? She was half-asleep I think. smiling, somewhere in a far-off dreamland. Dreaming of something sweet, happy, far from reality.

And I thought, several paces from the madwoman, how sad that I have become immune to such sight. how despicable that I have not even felt the slightest pity, or urge to call the SSB, the university police, so that someone may help her.

I just felt an overwhelming sadness.

That I have become numb. with no compassion.
Sadness and a gnawing feeling that what separates me from her is just a thread's width of sanity.
How in another circumstance that smiling sleeping woman could be me, or someone I know.

I know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind.
But more than that, I know what it's like to be a victim of your own self doubt.

------

Just now I remember another nameless taong grasa, who prowled the sidewalks of the Circle. I think she found a blue shoulder bag, from somewhere. She put it on her shoulders, smiled at the bag, and suddenly her hips had a sudden sway, her hands had more panache, as it swept a stray lock off her face...as if the bag had some secret well of femininity that gave its wearer a fleeting benefit of womanhood.

And I felt sad. That again what thin line separates madness from genius.

-----

And Ted Failon.
Seeing him makes me realize we really can't claim to be insulated from the harshness of this world. No amount of money, cars, stocks and bonds, high education, fame or power can make us immune to the travesties of this world.

Sad.
Sadness can envelope you even in the happiest of celebrations.
Isolation can be your bosom buddy even in the heart of a crowd.
And failure can occur to you in the news of passing.

Am I an ingrate? Do I deserve this thing that others would kill for?
Am i thankful enough? Am  I running away from my own destiny?

I.am.just.terribly.confused.

attitude shift

I've been dreading this Monday ever since the Holidays started. In fact, it's the reason why I haven't fully enjoyed the vacation.

When I woke up this morning, I felt I was dragging myself to face the day. I ate breakfast, I took a bath, then while I was dressing up, words finally formed to describe that thing that i want to say to myself for the inevitable return to work. 

More than a career shift, I need an attitude shift.

I really did not need to switch careers early in the race. I haven't even passed the bar yet.

And then I remembered all the jobs that I had.. Especially with the copyediting job, where I waited until it was deadline before I worked onsomething. I realized that, if that I had to change my fundamental attitude about work itself. I will never be satisfied with my work in whatever it is that I am going to do if all I am going to do is turn out some half-baked half-done mediocre work. I have to be satisfactory, if not excellent.

 

If I don't change this attitude, I will never be happy wherever I may be. I can be in the dreamiest job possible but if my attitude about it is crappy, then the job will be crappy.

 

Kahlil Gibran, in his book “The Prophet” talked about love in this way:

 

Then the ploughman said, “speak to us of work.”

And he answered saying,

You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.

 

For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and tos tep out of life's procession that marches in majesty and proud submissio towards the infinite.

 

When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.

 

Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison?

 

Always you have been told that work is a curse and labor a misfortune.

 

But I say to you that when you work you fulfill a part of the earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born.

 

And in keeping yourself with labor you are in truth loving life,

 

And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's innermost secret.

 

But if you in your pain call birth and affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written.

 

You have been told also that life is darkness, that in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary.

 

And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge,

 

and all urge is blind save when there is knowledge.

 

And all knowledge is vain save when there is work,

 

and all work is empty save when there is love;

 

and when you work with love, you bind youself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.

 

And what it is to work with love?

 

It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth;

 

it is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.

 

It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat that fruit.

 

It is to charge all things your fashion with a breath of your own spirit,

 

and to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching

 

Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep :he who works in marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is nobler than he who plows the soil.”

 

“and he who seizes the rainbow to lay it on a cloth in the likeness of man, is more than he who makes the sandals for our feet.”

 

But I say, not in sleep, but in the overwakefulness of noontide, that the wind speaks not more sweetly to the giant oaks than to the least of the blades of grass;

 

And he alone is great who turns the voice of the wind into a song made sweeter by his own loving.

 

Work is love made visible.

 

And if you cannot work with love but only with distate, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms from those who work with joy.

 

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.

 

And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distills a poison with wine.

 

And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's eras to the voices of the dat and the voices of the night.


THANK YOU by Oprah Winfrey

 THANK YOU - By Oprah Winfrey

I live in the space of thankfulness - and I have been rewarded a million times over for it. I started out giving thanks for small things, and the more thankful I became, the more my bounty increased.

That's because what you focus on expands, and when you focus on the goodness in your life, you create more of it. Opportunities, relationships, even money flowed my way when I learned to be grateful no matter what happened in my life.

"Say thank you!" Those words from my friend and mentor Maya Angelou turned my life around. One day about ten years ago, I was sitting in my bathroom with the door closed and the toilet lid down, booing and a-hooing on the phone so uncontrollably that I was incoherent.

"Stop it! Stop it right now and say thank you!" Maya chided. "But - you don’t understand," I sobbed.

To this day, I can't remember what it was that had me so far gone, which only proves the point Maya was trying to make. "I do understand," she told me. "I want to hear you say it now. Out loud.

'Thank you.'" Tentatively, I repeated it:
"Thank you - but what am I saying thank you for?"

"You're saying thank you," Maya said, "because your faith is so strong that you don't doubt that whatever the problem, you'll get through it. You're saying thank you because you know that even in the eye of the storm, God has put a rainbow in the clouds.

You're saying thank you because you know there's no problem created that can compare to the Creator of all things. Say thank you!" So I did - and still do. Only now I do it every day. I kept a gratitude journal, as Sarah Ban Breathnach suggests in Simple Abundance, listing at least five things that I'm grateful for. My list includes small pleasures: the feel of Kentucky bluegrass under my feet (like damp silk); a walk in the woods with all my dogs and my cocker spaniel Sophie trying to keep up; cooking fried green tomatoes eating them while they're hot; reading a good book and knowing another awaits.

My thank-you list also includes things too important to take for granted: an "okay" mammogram, friends who love me, 25 years at the same job (and loving it more than the first day I started), a chance to share my vision for a better life, staying centered, having financial security.

I won't kid you, having money for all the things I want is a blessing. But as I look back over my journals, which I've kept since I was 15 years old, 99 per cent of what brought me real joy had nothing to do with money (It had a lot to do with food, however.)

It's not easy being grateful all the time. But it's when you feel least thankful that you are most in need of what gratitude can give you:

PERSPECTIVE. Just knowing you have that daily list to complete allows you to look at your day differently, with an awareness of every sweet gesture and kind thought passed your way. When you learn to say thank you, you see the world anew. And as Meister Eckhart so eloquently stated:

"If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is 'Thank you God’ that would suffice."
###

An unsent letter to my boss

Sir,

My sincerest apologies for botching up each and every assignment you gave to me this past month. I know that I started stellarly and that must have upped your expectations of UP graduates in general and me in particular. This may have raised the bar, especially because you are so proud of having another UP graduate in your midst.

It would be nice fo rme to promise that botchups willl never happen again, or that I'll be more conscious of deadlines from now on, but I know any attempt at making ultimatums for myself would just result in broken promises and unmet expectations, and sadly would just worsen your failed expectations of me.

I feel all the pressure that a UP JD degree brings upon its hapless recipient. Couple that with the inherent stress of law practice (it doesn't matter what field of law you're in. dan-gat said the truth when he said law's a bitch on PMS) and looming deadlines and some clients who i just want to send back to hell (where i'm sure where they really came from), and you get  high strung little bundle of nerves who have to be whacked on the head twice to be made to understand the importance of time.

It says in gossip girl that excuses are only for the unemployed, and i don't want to be one. So, right now even though i've just made excuses in my previous paragraph, I want to say that, there's no excuses. I'm just lazy. I'm even posting blog entries in the office while using someone else's wifi. But this I tell you, I just really need a vacation to clear my head and repair my heart. The conscience, well, we'll talk about that later on.

I figured the best apology to all my mistakes and f-ups is to just do a better job next time. I will do that, after this much-needed vacation.

Sir, I want to be competent and able just like you. I like you as my boss, and the bonus is you're like a father to me. I really appreciate that you go out of the way to make me part of the team. and that you lend me books that you like, andthat you never lose your cool. I am just lucky to have you as my boss.

Right now, I'm thinking over my choice of whether to be in litigation was a good idea. I think it is, but I doubt if I have the capacity to be ready for this rough-and-tumble world. It's exciting, and full of possibilities. I know I could never make it in corporate practice. I like human drama and emotions, even though right now I only read it in the TSNs and affidavits. Not that I want to be in a real-life drama myself. i probably won't be able to handle it.

There I go rambling again.

The point is, boss, Thank You. For putting up with my quirks and being so patient with my mistakes and shortcomings. Somehow I will make it up to you. That will be my new year's resolution: to do a better job.

Happy holidays! Can't wait for the new year! :)

your employee.

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Bar blues

 After first Sunday:                    Tatlo na lang!
After Second Sunday (tax):    Dalawa pa??? 

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Jul. 15th, 2008

It's been a week since I've moved in to my new place at Area 2. So far it's been very comfortable here. I have big closet. My shawls and scarves have their own drawers yipeee!!! I occupy the whole room, with windows facing south and looking out to a backyard where some chickens lose their way through. The front yard is quite spacious, with two big trees that give us shade and lots of dry leaves. One of these days I'm going to sweep them all, maybe in October?
Speaking of October, I find the place to be very nice that I'm even thinking of staying here even after the bar is over.

All the utilities is included in the rent, and we have free use of the gas stove, the ref, the TV with cable, and the internet. Of course, as I told geli, the last two I will try to avoid. The shopping center is just three blocks away and I have friends living nearby. :)
My housemates are mostly UP students or graduates already working or looking for work. Their sense of humor makes every day a riot, especially when all of us are gathered in the living room.

Now if only I could hurdle that damn bar.

Heart, heart

I saw from the OCS bulletin board that this guy's law firm is looking for associates :) Kaya lang they're looking for Bar 2007 passers. :(
First Sunday:            
Being asked  "what is a cognovit clause?"

Second Sunday:
Suffering from diarrhea due to bad food eaten the night before, standing up and going to the bathroom about 20 times to  take a dump. Having to find the faculty CR because the PUP student CR is just so unbearable.

Third Sunday: 
Being asked a question the answer to which is the "Flag Law", not listed as included in the bar coverage

Fourth Sunday:
It's raining, and the roof of the exam room is leaking, and you have to move your paper around so that the rainwater won't smudge your fountain pen ink on the test booklet.

----
I can't believe this really happened, but it did, to my aunt.
She passed the bar on her first take. :)

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